Wednesday, August 27, 2008

unang umaga

me.live.on here
clicking,ticking.lines
i thought moving to another place will make me sad from home sickness, but im not. im too sad for other things to be sad about anything else..

kaylangan ko ng vitamins..

naiintindihan ko naman..habang tumatagal, natututunan ko ng maging ganitong klase. self-sufficient, self reliant o taong winithdraw ang sarili nya sa mundo dahil ayaw sa kanya nito...see...im different now...
unassuming..
di na nag eexpect..
di na umaasa..
o nawalan na ng pag asa..

ayoko magtunog miserable..kahet un nga ung nararamdaman ko..everytime na nakakakita ako ng taong miserable, i wish to get them out of that quicksand of misery pero naalala ko na im on the same quicksand nga pala..

hey..got to go..

Sunday, July 13, 2008

kwento ng drawing



the canvass

the faceless apparition of hope
there is, was, will be no certainty
entangled by the life's curse
you allow your hair to fall freely on your back
you allow it to brush the fabrics of your shirt...
his face barely visible
among the colors of that pasteled paper
with your arms wrapped around his back
they hang freely in front of his shoulders
with his hair brushing your face..


you realized..

he is no longer there...

drawing bata

alaala lang kasi ang meron..
mga alaalang ginuhit na lamang ng bata sa papel..







may kwento kase sa likod ng alaala..
kaya iginuhit na lamang ito ng bata sa papel

Thursday, July 10, 2008

inaantok ako..

inaantok ako
kaya di ako makapagtrabaho
inaantok ako
pero di ako makatulog
inaantok ako pero hindi parin ako matutulog mamaya
kaya malamang bukas
inaantok parin ako

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

busy with activities but not quite..i have a fully booked schedule this week to meet my friends..i met one last night and i had fun..

been looking at pictures lately.. it made me surprised when i found out that his picture could still hurt me even now...i hate the way he did those pose..i hate the way he smiled then..i hate it cause his pictures make me remember him..and i dont want to..perhaps..it has something to do with my pride..it was my pride--not me--that he hurted--or hurts..i dont know..i hate it because i thought he'd love me even if i'm not gonna love him back.. i thought that distance could never make him forget me.. myfault..i made a wrong assumption again..but i dont care..

me and my girl friend had a talk yesterday..and we talked about boys, of course.. its been a long time since a had a good laugh..nothing uplifts you more than seeing an old friend... hai..

Monday, July 7, 2008

walang kahit isang hiblang humor na naibahagi sakin si kiwi..

grabe ang galing nia...

nabubuhay muli ang dugo ko...


***gru***~~~
***gru..gru***

gusto ko rin magpa pierce ng ears..wala lang..para may extra..
ayaw ng nanay ko.. magmumuka daw akong adik..

bakit ba di ko sinusuway ang nanay ko??

***gru..gru..gru***

Sunday, July 6, 2008

freshly out of water..

sinubukan kong isipin pero wala yata akong utak..
pag nalulungkot ako.. nagpapanggap akong hindi.. gaya nung bata ako na pag meron akong sugat hindi ko pinapakita sa iba.. feeling superhero kasi ako ng sarili ko.. ewan ko... alam ko naman na hindi lahat ng problema kayang kong sulusyonan
pero pag may ibang tao kasing nakakaalam ng problema.. pakiramdam ko lumalaki ang problema...
buhay.. hihilingin ko parin bang sana ay normal nalang ako?? ewan ko..
lahat kasi ng tao may crus na dapat pasanin..pag wala kang problema di ka siguro tao..baka alien ka..

ewan ko..naalala ko yung mga panahong masaya ko tapos malulungkot ako.. pag naaalala ko yung malungkot nalulungkot parin ako..sa bahay pinipilit kong magmukang masaya.. tipong pang best actress ang arte ko..kilalala kasi nila ko..isang maling kilos mabubuko ako...
siguro ... nagdududa rin ako na baka alam rin nila..pero basta ang mahalaga hindi na namin pinag uusapan un...tapos magpapanggap nalang na walang problema..

salamat at wala ng sleepless night ngayon..sabi ko kagabi wala akong maramdaman tipong parang hindi ako tao.. pero meron din pala kasi nagulat nalang ako.. naiiyak na pala ko..

para talaga akong walng utak... hindi ko kasi alam kung anong meron.. hindi ko maintindihan kung anong nararamdaman ko..
di ko ma discribe... di ko maiisip..

ayoko ng kahit anong ka cornihan..ayoko magmukhang corni kahet sa sarili ko lang... kahit pano meron parin akong mga pinapahalagahan..pinoprotektahan kaya..hindi parin siguro ako pwedeng mawala basta..

pag tinatagalog ang kwento mas mukang galing sakin...tama na ang pagpapanggap na magaling ka dahil in the end of the day.. makumbinsi mo man ang sarili mo,, di na yon mahalaga..
ang haba ng entry na to..baka matulog na yung taong babasa--kung meron..sakali mang may matisod sa blog na 'to... hindi na mahalaga..

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

"some people wake to find the sunshine
i always wake to find the rain.."


i just love rainy days..it makes me cheerfully sad..yeah..ironic..but just consider it as one of MY LIFE's paradox..

rainy days are just so romantic--(hey..did i just heard an eww!!!)..romantic in a different sense.. i like the leaves when they're wet..i like it when the sound of the rain muffles any other sound...i like the silence of the rain..it makes me clear headed..it drives away my troubles like they never really existed...

i just love the rain...

"when i leave..let it be on rainy days.."--zaia quote

Monday, June 30, 2008

past hurts could heal soon..

but for me..its sooner..

i learned not to harbor hatred at any cause..

perhaps..people that are usually the subject of cruelty could instinctively learn not to be one..

a good thng right??

who knows--this might've brought me to heaven..

or might not...
its never really that hard..

i used atbash..
you dont have to be a genius to solve it..

its all in your finger tips..

divine sadness

solitude brought about sadness..but not the type that you wouldnt want to have.. that kind of sadness that carries some light..a soul in itself.. i dont know... me and my girl friends share the same dreams..(exclude my bestfriend on the list--she's a little eccentric, you know)...and fears... shara texted the last time..she asked me about 'him' and on what's going on between us..i told her that he never texted except for the time when we left the hospital.
a few more people asked me about him aside from shara..it made me wonder why it has to happen now..now that we've parted..now that i am already living a new life without any thought of him---and i think he too is going the same way...
i dont know..i feel like they all know that we're through even before we actually started..its like they've known all along and i was the only idiot within the circle who doesnt even know anything!!i wish to hate him for that--but i dont..
i still remember him..but i dont remember anything else..its hard to let go of his memory but it feels idiotic to cling on to it when you now that its no longer real now...
sad..yes..but not as it seem..

Sunday, June 29, 2008

when faced with humiliation, the prospect of dying could sometimes be more appealing. but not now...not now..
being sick made me brave afterall.
jane said, "nagkakaron lang ng maganda pag may kinukumparahan".. and as for me(and i strongly believe na she,too, will agree),it can be applied to everything else..so why feel bitter..
i've read a nice blog a few moments ago..wasnt as nice as yang's blog in friendster, but her english there was outstanding..and her words were mostly within the sphere of bestfriend's own belief. no wonder they jive well. the author of the blog happens to be one of my most admired people. i still regret it knowing that i've been with her for four years and yet i wasnt able to come close enough to see through her.. i should've learned a lot from her..we should've been exchanging ideas about good books, life and anthing else..
the absence of those people that i considered great made me forget that im not yet good enough and that i have so much more to learn.for the last six years i grew complacent.i thought im good..but no, not yet...and maybe my life time would not be enough to train me to be good..

sigh...i live like im not really alive.. been missing the flame that once reside within me..now it is nowhere to be found...

Thursday, June 26, 2008

RN ORPRMT NB YLLS

try get this..a little secret,..

-..
.
.-.
..-.

easy???

Monday, June 23, 2008

in the sea..
under the dusk sky..
sitting beside you on the shore
barely noticing anything else..
except
the sea..
the sky..
the shore..
and us...
just us..
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

funny how love stories stick in the mind..or maybe it was my love for stories in general that made me feel like this...

i still wish to write some time..though it seems that i've left my old love in exchange for something else..but what was that?? do you know??

Sunday, June 22, 2008

one thing that i ask
and hope you will know
for my day to be complete
i needed your glimpse

--mjd

Monday, June 16, 2008

when title dont count

the prospect of leaving is unimaginable...

back to black

relizations dawned to me these past few days.. i may be sick, but i am not dumb.. not terribly sick so i dont have to remain in bed for the rest of my life.. im lucky, i know.. i guess, it just have something to do with what you believe in and on how you see life..

the doctor said, i might be needing to undergo an operation..knowing the old me, i should be terrified by now..but, i'm not.. knowing what's wrong made it feel right, unlike those times when i don't even have an idea on what's wrong with me. its like fighting an invisible opponent. im still scared though..scared..just scared, no longer troubled..
but then..i.. and the doctor too.. may be wrong...

Sunday, June 15, 2008

untitled 4

" keep going, dont give up, be proud of who you are and never feel sorry for yourself."

"you have to go out and reach for things in life and not just sit around"

-jeanne,(trws)

untitled 3

"my personal philosophy on the matter(dying) is, 'no complaints,baby, no surrender', i wasnt quitting.i could get better, so i would"

"maybe i have an incurable disease, but i dont have to be a permanent invalid"

"you can feel well no matter what's wrong with you. i think that's the only way to leave."

"i figure, if things have been bad, that means you have somethings to look forward to."

" will anyone ever come close enough to fall in love with me?'

-ryan(trws)

untitled 2

"i dont want blindness to be the reason why i dont climb. i dont want blindness to be the reason why i stay in the room listening to the fun"
-blindman(kmjs)

untitled 1

"you cannot stop being who you are just because you're afraid"
-carrie(satc)

Saturday, May 24, 2008

another soul somewhere in the universe

funny how one must end something that has never really started...

my parents said thier peice about him. on what they thought of him, and i guess they were right. i've been a certified maldita and matigas ulo type daughter. but despite of that, may parents' opinion still matters to me. in fact, it matters so much..

well, i guess i've known long before but i keep on denying it even to myself. i made myself believe na he's a fine guy..

we've been happy together..sa kanya ko kasi nafeel yung---joy?? yung feeling pa parang happy at contented even with a simple exchange of words lang.. sya kasi yung nakita yung dark sides ko pero nandyan parin.. nakakita na ng better girls pero nasakin parin...or siguro it has something to do with us being friends...

naisip ko noon na neglecting him is a bad thing to do kasi naisip ko na baka kaya ko ayaw sa kanya kasi alam kong hindi sya mawawala... bad thing kasi baka kaya ko ginagawa yon dahil tinuturing ko syang last resort pag wala na talagang iba..

pero pano kung ayaw ko talaga sa kanya??

na baka kaya hindi ako makabitaw sa alaala nya kasi sya lang ang meron ako.. sya lang ang nakakita ng disgusting side ko pero nagstay parin..na baka natatakot lang ako na no one else will accept me like he did...

but he can never be brave enough... he had always been immature..and he's getting worse..

ito ba yung love??or am i obliging myself to love him kasi baka wala ng ibang tulad nya or wala ng ibang dumating?? but if he can't be brave enough to face me, how can he be brave enough to love me? oo, siguro nga, hindi ko sya binigyan ng chance..

tama, may kasalan ako..may kasalanan din sya.. and maybe fate had made its move for us not to be together.. and it actually doesn't feel right.. the idea of us--together..
akala ko kilala sya ng hypothalamus ko..pero parang hindi?? or dahil ba 'to sa distance na naghiwalay saming dalawa..

naguguluhan ako.. one moment maiisip ko sya and mag wowondering if naiisip nya ba 'ko..tapos another moment iba na naman ang maiisip ko...

tama..kung hindi pwede hindi nga siguro pwede.. at kung hindi ka masaya sa isang bagay hindi dapat pilitin ang sarili...

Monday, May 12, 2008

nang gumala ako sa friendster...

i've seen G and E's pic sa friendster... isang makabagbagdamdaming pose.. they look like a promising couple(puro promise) hmm..it's complicated daw, but i wonder what lourdes would say...
i remember my older post..dito ba yun?? ung taong nagdecide to choose life and choose a good one..
kinaain na ng takot..
nawala na...
namundok na..

medyo nainggit ako kay G kaya iniisip ko nalang uli si ------- tas nalungkot lang lalo ako... hindi laging bumabalik ang mga taong piniling umalis...

minsan aalis din siguro ako sumwer,,hahanap ng totoong buhay sa labas..

i thought my liberation could make me happier--or in the most, happy.. but i don't think this is liberation yet...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

wish me luck

what i'm about to do requires a lot of courage...so wish me luck.shocks..nakakakaba talaga.. i know it's not actually so much of a big thing..ia add ko lang naman sya sa friendster...is that so difficult,huh? but 'goodness, it is..hai..wag nalang kaya?? if jane's here she'd say "go" .. so shall i go??i've read his profile kanina. i've noticed a testimonial there na naoverlook ko dati..a girl's involved? or perhaps, she's a girl.. he's liking someone else..the testimonial was dated last year so he's been liking the girl even before we've met..hmmmmmm... wag nalang kaya?? coward! hmp! you're a coward,zaia...

Friday, May 9, 2008

hmm...what to say??well, yes, I'm still upset about some things..
hayyyy... i just hope that i can feel better soon.. minsan naguguluhan parin ako..
people tend to like people who like them..nasabi ko na ba 'to dati?? naisip ko lang, totoo ngang flattery is a powerful tool. know how to use it and it can move the world...
alam ko kung ano ang gusto ko... o siguro sa tingin ko gusto ko na.. noon sabi ko ite take ko yung risk pero ngayon nagdadalawang isip ulet ako.. tama, hindi nga siguro pwedeng maging pefect ang lahat pero at least siguro, hindi ko naman kaylangan maging miserable.. nakaasar parin dahil may mga bagay na kaylangan ko paring pagdaanan.. nakakaasar kasi may mga taong harsh talaga at ang mas nakakaasar don, kasi hindi mo naman sila masisisi...
siguro tinest din ako ni God minsan at ayon nga, i failed the test..i've been harsh din kahet na alam ko kung ano yung feeling na maging subject ng ganong klaseng harshness..
nakakaasar..
nakakaasar talaga...

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

nang minsang magcomment ako sa kamote

isang araw naisipan kong magcomment sa blog ng isa sa mga paborito kong writer

sabi ko..
bakla...may lovelife ka na???sino si eddie, teddy..tama ba??sino yun??ui, musta ka na..ang hirap masulat lately... nagcomment ka kasi..wehehehe.. anyway, my work ka na ba??? ang hirap mabuhay no?? kaylangan talaga laging may problema kasi kung walang problema, wala ring kwento (sabi yan ni ricky lee)...nagiisip din ako, lyk u qng ano ba talaga yung gusto ko..but unlike u, wala 'kong khet kapirasong idea kung anong gusto kong gawin tapos parang wala rin akong kabalak balak na ipursue ung gusto ko sakali mang malaman ko kung ano yun lalo na pag naiisip ko na kakaylanganin kong talikuran ang kinalalagyan ko ngayon na sobrang pinaghirapan ko bago ko makuha...kaduwagan ba 'to o kabobohan,hindi ko alam..ang hirap magdecide, pero ikaw..nakapagdecide na at pinangatawanan mo, da vah! hai...kaya 'to..at least ikaw may panagrap kaya alam mo kung saan ka pupunta..ako nga walang pangarap eh... hai ulet.,..

sabi niya...
lovelife? uhm ewan ko, lovelife ba 'to o ilusyon na naman. si eddie, yung client na sinasabi ko sayo nung last time na magkatext tayo. ewan ko, gusto ko sya, more than i like anyone else before. para kasing nasa kanya na lahat ng gusto ko...perpekto sya para sa kin... pero narealize ko lang na hindi naman talaga ako yun gusto nya kundi yung character na gawa-gawa ko lang. nevertheless, hindi kami para sa isat-isa. nalungkot talaga ako ng ilang linggo, isang buwan, parang sasabog dibdib ko sa kalungkutan dahil sa kanya at sa sarili ko at sa iba pang mga bagay. ngayon, ako musta na? nagpapatuloy kahit mahirap. hindi ok pero ayus lang. nakakapagod na kasi, paulit-ulit na lang ang mga pangyayari parang hindi umiikot yung mundo. nakakasawa na. minsan gusto kong sumigaw, di ko naman magawa baka sabihin nila agaw eksena ako.wala kang ideya kung anong gusto mong gawin? naiintindihan kita. naramdaman ko rin yan dati bago ako dumating sa puntong ganito na kabaliw. gusto mo ba yun ginagawa mo ngayon? uhm hindi ka naman kelangan magmadali alamin kung ano talaga yun gusto mong gawin kasi kusang babagsak na lang yan sa ulo mo parang ulan. u know it would come pero hindi yung eksaktong oras. kung gusto mong maligo sa ulan at namnamin yung bawat patak nito sa balat at buong pagkatao mo, hindi mo iisipin kung ano yun sasabihin ng tao sa paligid, hindi mo iintindihin kung para kang basang sisiw sa karimlan. wala kang pakialam basta gagawin mo yung gusto mo, ang maligo sa ulan. Pero minsan gusto mong maligo sa ulan pero ayaw mong mabasa. hindi ibig sabihin nun na bobo ka, it makes sense eh, ayaw mong mabasa, ayaw mong madumihan ng ulan yun damit na pinaghirapan mong labhan at plantsahin. kaduwagan? maaari, kung takot kang mabasa, takot kang pagtawanan ng mga tao sa paligid mo, at takot kang mabasa ang damit na pinaghirapan mong downy-han at plantsahin. pero kasi sa bandang huli, ikaw din ang magdi-desisyon kung gusto mong maligo sa ulan o hindi. it's a choice, not stupidity nor cowardness. it's your choice. balang araw malalaman mo din kung ano yun gusto mo talagang gawin, at hindi mo sasabihing wala kang kabalak-balak na ipursue yun gusto mong gawin...pagiisipan mo yun ng daan-daang beses. pramis! pero gaya ng sabi ko, sa huli ikaw pa rin ang magdi-desisyon, kung anuman ito, siguraduhin mo lang na wala kang pagsisisihan pagdating ng araw, yun tipong kahit lola ka na,when u look back u knew u made the right choice, walang halong pait at pagkagapi...

sabi ko ulet...
ang lalim ng mga sinv u..tagalog ba yun??hehe..but u're right.. kaya lang kasi may mga taong namatay na't lahat hindi pa rin nalaman kung anong gusto nila--para saken nakakatakot yung ganon..dapat kasi ata hinahanap yun at hindi sya laging kusang darating..oh kusa nga ba yung dumarating...hai..ano ba yan! parang lovelife pala ang pangarap...puro hakahaka lang ang meron ka sa kung ano yon tas malalaman mo nalang kung ano talaga sya pag nanjan na..hindi kaya lovelife lang din talaga ang pinapangarap naten('ko' lang pala)(?!)..pinangalanan ko lang ng iba..oi..hindi ko padin alam kung kamusta ka na??work ka na ba??saan??

eto ang magandang halimbawa ng mga taong nagpapalitan ng kurokuro habang lasing..

Monday, May 5, 2008

gone

i deleted the link that connects this blog to my friendster..perhaps this is safer now..or maybe it had always been safe..afterall wala namang ibang babasa except kay yin (na ang tunay na panagalan ay yang)
so, kamusta na 'ko???
eto..dati padin..
lately, wala akong maisulat na maganda..the last time bumili ako ng bagong notebook para samen ni God tapos wala naman akong masulat na maganda... mabuti pa yung dati naming notebook na kahit na reuse kamangha mangha naman ang mga nakasulat...

kamusta ka na ha?? kamusta ka naba?? may sinabi si yang tungkot sa ulan at dun sa ayos lang kung ayaw mong mabasa.. syempre nga naman pinaghirapan mong labhan yung damit mo tapos dinowny mo pa tapos babasain mo lang...

i dreamed for this company.. i prayed for this to be mine.. and it seems that the world had conspire with me nga kasi kahit parang hindi na eto parin ako...

i told God na kahet ito yung gusto ko sana yung gusto nya parin ang mangyari...ito kaya yung gusto ni God?? hindi kaya nakulitan lang sya saken?? or naawa kaya.. ewan ko...

ang alam ko wala akong pangarap..pero kahet ganon gusto ko paring may marating.. sabi sa isang corning kanta, ' people alone may go very fast but maybe not so far' daw.. absolutely true..

wirdo ka nga siguro kung hindi ka marunong mahome-sick... wirdo ka nga kung gusto mo ng pagbabago pero ayaw mong iwan ang meron ka ngayon.. kaylangan naming magusap ni God tungkol sa isang bagay.. kaylangan na kasi talaga...

Saturday, April 12, 2008

life indeed..

kristine's dad died yesterday..the news came as a shock.. he died due to dynamite fishing.he lost his arms..and his stomach--the whole thing..both were blowned up..and so he died...

hai...people die sometimes...even when you thougth they never would...i long have realize how to value every moment you have..like i don't have anytime to spare..kaya nga napagdesisyunan ko na gawin ang ano mang magustuhan ko when a moment comes that i feel like doing it..

i love my family..i love a few more people aside from them..but i'm not the type who would ever spit it out..but i hope my deeds are enough to let them know...but does it matter??

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

new post posted

haw!!doing fine?? not feeling well now...its my illness again..what's the problem na naman kaya this time?siguro dahil two days akong hindi nakatulog ng maayos.. but luckily, i managed to sleep last night..thanks to the long walk i had(mula bhaws hnggang sm then pabalik...grava!!)..
i think i need to see the doctor soon..sooner..

lately, may mga bagay na naman akong narealize...i guess i've met another fearful person this time..i used to be like her...or sigula i still am.. tas, ayun nga..the way i see things, sa tingin ko, she's letting her fears hold her back...but who am i to judge her??

may mga taong natatakot kahit walang dapat ikatakot.. noong normal pa ko hinayaan ko ring pigilan ako ang takot ko...not realizing na may mga bagay pala na pwedeng mawala at pag wala na may mga bagay ka ng hindi pwedeng gawin..or hindi nga ba??o kinukunsinti mo lang ulet yung takot mo..

sana maging maayos parin lahat...sa tingin ko i'm blessed parin..i may have lost something dahil sa illness ko but i've gain lots of realizations in life.. nanghihinayang din ako sa mga time na nasayang.. sa mga times na ok pa ko na dapat sana ini spend ko sa mga bagay na mas worthy..

but i cannot go through life feeling bitter and---nanghihinayang???-- on what i've lost and on what's not there... kaylangan maging thankful about everything..

hai buhay...

kitakits..soon...we're on the same universe... walang imposible..

Thursday, March 20, 2008

oh please....

i only i can beg for a solution to my problems, perhaps things will easily be sorted... tama, other people's strength do not diminish your value...pero natatakot parin ako...natatakot talaga ko.. minsan parang gusto ko nalang takasan to... i thought i was/am tough and strong...kala ko talaga kaya ko na...pero eto na naman.. nag aalangan na naman ako...baka di ko kayanin...

hay..please lord... siguro nga may plans ka kung bakit kaylangan mangyari lahat... siguro nga po lahat ng tao may mga krus na kaylangang dalhin... siguro nga God, may maganda kang reason... opo...kaylangan ko paring mabuhay sa kabila ng lahat... sa kahit ano man po ang meron.. God, gusto ko parin itake yung risk kahit hindi madali.. maari nga pong hindi nila ako magustuhan... pero kahit pano may chance din naman na magustuhan din nila 'ko... at siguro God, yung maliit na chance na yon ang panghahawakan ko...

cracked***??!@**

i am hunted by this feeling again..the feeling of being sorry for being me...i just hate this feeling and i would nevr ever want it to appear again if only i can help it..
we all do have our own light, right? and yet other people's light could sometimes overshadow ours..and that's when we feel unworthy of anything..
i am too old to have an identity crisis..i know what i am now..or at least, i guess i do..

i thought i've already learned how to be optimistic..i thought i could now easily go on with my life..i thought i was ready to face it...but it seems like i was/am wrong again...

hindi talaga madali.. minsan naiisip kong magpakalayu layo nalang at mabuhay sa sarili ko..siguro pag ganon hindi na ko makakaperwisyo ng iba...

nakakainis lang kasi hindi pwedeng hintayin ko munang maging maayos ang lahat bago ko mabuhay kasi buhay na ko ngayon at umaandar ang buhay habang naghihintay ako...sa hindi ko alam...

tama.. hindi talaga madali... nakakalungkot na ang ibang tao nabubuhay ng normal...ikaw hindi..

nakakainis pag may mali sayo kahit hindi mo naman gusto..

ang totoo, sa tingin ko, ok lang sakin ang ijudge ako ng iba..masakit mahumiliate pero i learned to handle humiliation because im so much used to them... ang hindi ko lang matanggap kasi alam kong i'm so much more than this... im so much better than this person na nakikita ng mga tao..

naiinis ako for being sick..naiiinis ako kasi this sickness is holding me back to let other people see my light...
naiinis ako dahil nanghihinayang ako... nanghihinayang ako kasi hindi nila ko nakilala.. hindi ako nakikilala ng mga tao... hindi nila ko narinig.. hindi ko sila narinig... nakita nila ako--yung tip ng ice berg pero hindi nila nakita yung portion below..

oh...life... buhay...

Saturday, March 15, 2008

not getting any younger..

i'm 22 turning 23...ang layo na ng teenage years ko..but i'm glad that i'm through with schoolworks na.. pero hindi rin pala.. i'm having japanese lessons..sa company.. sa ngayon, i'm not doing well parin.. hindi ko kasi nagagawa mga homework ko..how are you naman kasi! 5 hours na nga lang tulog ko, iispend ko pa ba yon sa assignments.. basta, babawi nalang ako...
hai.. saturday boredom.. i'm suppose to memorize hiragana characters..sangkaterba sila..pero eto ko... blogging..

ang weird talaga.. feeling ko wala akong pangarap sa buhay...minsan naiinis din ako dahil hindi ako naging competitive.. siguro dahil don kaya wala akong masyadong nararating...pero naisip ko lang na wala naman akong dapat i prove..i may not be competitive but it doesn't make me an incompetent kahit na ganon ako...or katwiran ba 'to ng tamad at takot na iextend ang sarili nya sa kanyang fullest potential? ayoko nang ikatwiran ang mga personal baggages ko.. hindi sila lang ang pipigil saken na gawin ang gusto ko.. kaya lang ang tough ng kalaban ko---sarili ko din...
tama, sabi ni nelson mandela, "your playing small doesn't serve the world" at "there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." tama, siguro nga it's every one's duty to be great..but what is greatness ba?? para saken kasi it is excelling in the field that you enjoy doing most.. as for my case, its hard to find out kung ano ba yung field na yon..for a person with an inorganized mind like mine.. ang hirap magdecide..
dahilan na naman.. ayoko na.. gusto ko nang maging responsableng tao.. got to move now...

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

an affair with a DOM

when will your inexistence cease?
when will you be real?

i've always long to feel you in my skin
so long as others too can see you
so long as others too can too can know you're true

'till when will you leave the story land
to where you're from
and be with me in this real world
on where i built my fantasies

my fantasies of you and i together
my fantasies of having you near me
of you loving me..
adoring me...
as no other man could ever do

wrap your hands around mine
as they shiver with your presence

hold me close in your arms
and cease the trembling movement of my shoulders....

...with you around i knew no danger...
...with you around i care for no woes...

allow me to embrace this moment
when only you and i alone exists
allow me to invent this scene
though only through my dreams i can make it real..

early riser

pag wala kang magawa isulat mo lang kahit anong naiisip mo...

nagigising ka na cinderella?? ang sama ng naiisip ko ngayon...wehehe..pero syempre, hindi ko ipapahamak ang sarili ko..'got to be careful... but on the other hand..siguro dapat bigyan ko rin yung sarili ko ng chance...na...alam mo na... to know him better.. to know if nasa sa tama pa ba akong pag iisip to let my head run like this...

i know i shouldn't be in a hurry..and well, i'm not... pero kasi, hindi ko talaga maiwasang isipin na baka it's my turn na this time... pero sige na nga.. hat will come will come, and what will not will not..

Monday, March 10, 2008

conscious writer writing something

s o m e t h i n g . . .

sets, settings, set ups

eto ang buhay..
can't help asking what ifs... what if im as ok as anyone else?..what if im as normal as i used too?
am i bitter about this? no. sa tingin ko hindi. i'm glad that things are running smoothly parin sa kabila ng lahat.. siguro makakaya ko rin to..
kahit papano gusto ko parin maging normal at magshine ulet..masaya din naman ako.. i'm blessed parin kasi may mga tao paring naiwan to be with me khet my problema..
siguro nga my darating..kung meron nga sana magamit ko ang utak no para ijudge kung yun na nga yon..

Friday, February 29, 2008

eto ang araw na wala akong maisip na title sa blog ko

kamusta? yokogawa called..minsan dami talaga surprises sa buhay... there is fate nga siguro..but i can't be certain yet..hangga't wala pang result ang medical..wala talagang nakakaalam sa mangyayari sa future...
mahal ko na ang yokogawa..yesterday i couldn't bear the thought of not making it to the medical check up...pero naisip ko na i shouln't worry kasi what will come will come, and what will not will not..i should face whatever life will give me...then move on afterwards...pero siguro maaring maiba ang lahat kung may mangyayari...
naisip ko pala...gusto kong magserve sa yokogawa with all of me...my mga dala dala akong bagahe sa sarili ko pero naisip ko na gusto kong iset aside yun for the sake of duty..pinagkatiwalaan ng yokogawa ang isang katulad ko na baguhan palang at eengot engot pa...ayokong magsisi sila na kinuha nila ko...siguro nga im getting older..nafifil ko na ang sense of responsibility over things..
another chapter of my life is about to open..sana nga tuloy tuloy na 'to... nangyayari ang lahat para sa pinakamabuti..hey there..watch out!!i'm coming now..

Thursday, February 21, 2008

obsess ka na...

i'm sorry zah..kaylangan na talagang mag move on... its hard. alam naten yan.. so pano.. good bye yokogawa...
tama..nanghihinayang ka.. but the mistake was done..basta next time, do better.. move now,zah..
madaling idifferentiate ang hope at expectation by words pero mahirap by practice...
things will be alright.. you got there without any expectations about anything..
that is so much bearable, zah.. akala mo lang hindi...

something better is waiting for you... gaya ng ordinaryong broken harted, mahirap nga sigurong kalimutan ang first love, but you'll eventually move on.. di ba..
engineer ka! hindi ka hapon!!
you're not out there to learn japanese!! you're out there to find a job..

okay.. malungkot ako ngayon... e ano naman ngayon!
noramal lang yon...

Monday, February 18, 2008

please heal this broken heart

i am aching inside.. yokogawa company hadn't call me yet. sabi nila yesterday, tom daw..

sad.. 'guess i already fell in love with the company..
and also to my interviewer...

yeah.. there is fate.. perhaps I am destined to work somewhere else..

but why am i in pain??

Maybe i already built my dreams in growing up in this company... i really wish to work for them..
if i'm not really meant for this company, then why am i feeling this?

i've gotten so far.. i even met the president. a japanese. he seemed nice..jolly. he laughs a lot.. i really wish to work for thme..but then...

i know, there are reasons for everything..siguro nga hindi lahat ng wish pwedeng magkakatotoo..

sa totoo lang umaasa pa rin ako.. natatakot ako at nasasaktan at the thought of failed expectations..pero kahet ganon umaasa parin ako..

hai... sana maging maayos parin lahat...

pag ibig..hanapin mo nga ako...

Friday, February 8, 2008

keep going, don't give up, never feel sorry for yourself

bukas ang sintensya.. oathtaking na..dapat isa itong event na ilulook forward, pero hindi...
keep going..

ayos lang yan...

on going parin ang job hunt...

matatapos din to..

nakakalula ang yokogawa. naiintimidate ako. nakakasad din..
mahirap iretain ang hope pag wala kang nakikitang shed of light.. but this too shall pass... like everything else... this too shall pass...

san kaya ko mapupunta? anong company kaya ang kukuha sakin..lahat naman ng tao kaylangan magtrabaho...

keep going... maraming akong reason to continue.. may mga sunrise at sunset pa akong makikita.. may mga rivers and seas pa akong pagmamasdan.. mga magagandang flowers na matitingnan at mga butterflies na makikita kong lumilipad...

life is wonderful.. i know i shouldn't dwell on the sad part..

Saturday, January 19, 2008

may pag-asa!!

pinoy! WALANG SUKO!
mahairap magkaron ng sakit...
lalo na kung hindi mo masisisi ang mga taong layuan ka dahil sa sakit mo..

i have two options for my life now.. to end it all.. or to continue..
i've chosen the latter. i'm choosing life and i'm choosing a good one. i will not let this illness ruin my life.. afterall i have nothing to lose..

like anyone else, or at leasr like most of us, i fear people a lot.. i fear their opinion.. i dont want my illness to offend anyone...i dont want to be rejected or humiliated...

but since i'm choosing life, and i'm choosing a good one...i'm going to face this.. not as a burden... but as a challenge.