help

i hate this..
she`s there..i saw her in the other side of the room...she`s the last thing i want to see..and i dont want to be wiith her in the least...i hate this...
i real messiah hates nothing and is free to move whichever way he wants to move...
i wish i`m　a messiah though....
i`m scared...
is it his voice??
are they together??
this is crazy...
see, i shouted like an idiot a few days ago saying "ok, i give up now." but why am i like this now??what`s with the resistance??come on..i thought you would let go now...
i wish i could..
i dont need a company for now...i need aloneness in as much as i need to go back to the place where i left my bike in the rain uncovered...

i`m scared...i dont want to...i want to let go now and let things be...

yesterday, i`ve written something in my pc...and it tells things about my self evaluation...
i`ve been addicted with love or falling i love.. i crave for the real thing to happen to me, and yet it never did... but i realize that maybe i`m actually longing for someone to love me..i think i grew up to the concept that in order for me to fall in love, someone must love me first? is it actually like this??i dont know...

im tired...i guess the journey failed yet again...i wish i can get myself out of here...of this illusion...in believing to this stupidity i`ve been imprisoning myself eversince i`ve heard of it...

i dont want to believe in　it anymore..i want to let it go now and let things be...

dont get me wrong...i believe in love...but i dont think it is how i see it..
i`ve been walking in streets for all my life believing that love would just pop out or fall down from heaven like it did in movies and books--i dont think it would...

im tired,,,
i dont think iwant to carry on believing..
i dont want to sound pathetically hopeless..but maybe i do, because i actually am,,,